October is like the last magical month before the days grow short and the sun is hiding. Memories of October have to last through winter and keep me warm.

TRIGGER WARNING: emotional abuse I should have noticed it  L. always told me, I should change, so he could show off with me. What does that tell me? One:  He needed me to show off, because he was too much of a loser to be able to show off with his own achievements. Two:  He just wanted to use me to make himself look good, maybe even to cover up his apostate activities. Three:  He was showing more than one sign of abusive behavior and  I should have recognized it. Four:  I am not good enough to show off with already, so I would have to change in order for him not having to be ashamed of me. Five:  I am not good enough for anyone unless I change and blend in with common standards of beauty and L. never told me I was pretty or beautiful unless I changed some aspect of myself. Even after I changed he still wasn't completely content. What does that tell me? One:  I am not pretty or beautiful as I am, so I have to change in order to...

In my lonely dark sanctuary I can finally feel the pain again, taste it, make it a part of me. Away from the confusion, the demands, the burden of life. Just me, my thoughts, the pain I inflict upon myself, death walking next to me, the spinning mind, out of control, spinning. It cleanses me. It returns me to myself. It purges the world from me and returns me to the essence of my own being.

"Yeah, maybe I should have prepared you for this..." I said, scratching my head as I watched my friends make themselves at home in my parents' house. This all had been a pretty last-minute decision.  I had been planning to go an visit my parents for a while now, and I had also planned to take a few friends with me. But then there were just more and more people that signed up for this trip, including my husband, my sister-in-law, my brother-in-law, my best friend and my husband's best friend, plus a couple he knew from school. Honestly, we barely knew them. I had no idea what the hell they were doing here. You were there, too. I had no idea how you even got here, but you somehow just showed up and joined our little group and you honestly just fit right in. My parents were probably the most suspicious about you, with your bright pink hair and your almost feminine features. But damn was I glad to have you around. "Maybe? You should definitely have prepared us...

Tiredness is tugging at the edges of my mind. I wish madness would finally overcome me and swallow me up. Just let me rest in my own nightmarish mind. Let me wander through the distorted thoughts without knowing reality. Let me retreat into my own untouched world. Just leave me alone, let me rest for once.

The dark room is suffocating. This hasn't been my home for a long time. I am not even a guest, I am barely a ghost. A ghost from the past, crying out over nostalgic ponderings, memories of pain long gone, but lingering. Pain makes this place feel so familiar as I fade into the shadow of who I once was. And I fade with the memories, with time, with this place, like a ghost, loosely bound to earth, longing to leave, to be finally free, but lost on the way to another place. And nothing ever happens. And nothing ever changes.

Face down no flaws in your code Matches fall as you hold your arm I know Drowning the sorrow in tears or alcohol - does it matter which? Waiting for the flames to embrace me, eat me up, consume me. But all I get is the heat under my skin and the scars that are too small for anyone to notice. You bind up my wrists all the time and you still haven't noticed. Burned skin doesn't smell so bad. I wish I was home, but I don't know what home means anymore. I thought I knew a long time ago, but maybe I'll never know. I'm so tired of trying to light up the world, set it on fire, leaving this burning mark. Maybe I'm not a supernova, but just a shooting star - burning out before I reach earth. Make a wish on me when it's all over, because I won't be there to see it.

Silent car ride, the world wakes earlier in all its ugliness. I don't know what you dream of. But I know it's not the burning scars, the screaming talking heads, the faces peeling from everyone. I wish my only dreams were nightmares. Tears on the diamond, steady rhythm pounding in my head. Once a month my brain hurts. Get me high on the pain so I won't feel the painkillers anymore. In desert of my emotions, sometimes I imagine things that aren't there.